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Lagt ut av Kim 2010-02-10 18:27:58 i kategori Diverse    

Norgesveldet - America must rejoin the Norwegian Empire

Dear Citizens of America:

In light of your total economic disintegration and exceptionally slow approach to elect a competent head of state - and thus to govern yourselves - we hereby give notice of the Revocation of Your Independence, effective immediately.

His Majesty King Harald V of Norway will resume monarchical duties over your insolvent states and territories, excepting Alaska which he does not fancy. Your new prime minister, Mr Stoltenberg (he respond to the calls Jens, Jensemann and damenes Jens), will appoint a governor for America without the need of further elections. Congress and Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. The Norwegian administration will - with this act of responsibility - officially apologize to the World for acting at this late hour; we have been occupied with revoking Icelandic independence due to their self-obliterating use of American neo-con financial doctrine.

The precise legal claim to the American continent rests on your great founding father, viking chieftain Leiv Erikson, who declared "Vinland" a part of the Norwegian reign as early as 1000 AD. This act has never been revoked through proper official challes. The legal term "occupation" is defined by international law as a right to seed ownership of newly discovered lands. As you can not afford legal representation to counter these claims (due to colossal deficits in your federal economy), we see no reason to process these matters through arbitration or the international courts.

To aid in the transition to a Norwegian Crown Dependency, the following amendments are introduced with immediate effect:

§ 1. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "umm" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Halt it. Norwegian will in any case be mandatory language from 2012. You may not adopt the words "lissom", “skjønner du” and "atte", as the sentence filling substitute for those above mentioned. You will learn to merge words so they become long and very nice: "fylkestrafikksikkerhetsutvalgssekretariatslederfunksjonene".

§ 2. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as Independence Day, but as that of her Majesty the Royal Highness Queen Sonja s date of birth. Gift tip: Her Majesty enjoys Kjell Nupen paintings and quail egg filets on a square piece of wild virgin salmon with a hint of mint and a tiny dash of champagne sauce. Now, if you re not well aware of the ways of the higher echelons, do not give her any percieved-to-be-appropriate, home made, eccentric, worthless type of gifts. -Like your childrens paintings. The queen now possess four and a half million kindergarden paintings due to a law that eternally safeguard royal property. She wish for no more property of the sort.

§ 3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and Dr. Phil, shows that you re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you re not adult enough to sort things out without suing, shooting, or speaking to a therapist, then you re not fit to handle an AR-15 assault rifle.

§ 4, ref. to § 3, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

§ 5. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars you will understand what we mean.
If GM, Chrysler and Ford return from bankruptcy under a new name, like "Dong Ping", they will engage production of basic Chinese bicycles. These will in turn forcefully replace the current wheeled vehicles which transport your obese citizens and help these regain the use of their legs.

§ 6. The former US will adopt Norwegian prices on gasoline -roughly $7/US gallon (80% tax). The sluggish and primitive American V8 engine production line will sustain. The World s 3rd largest oil exporter – Norway – will compensate its takeover expenses through this indirect tax.

§ 7. Your $16 119 billion debt to The People s Republic of China Bank will not be a matter of ours. We re not touching this issue with a six foot stick. Sorry.

§ 8. You will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. This is for the benefit of Americans - the logic of 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, 220 yard in a furlong (like you use it) and 8 furlong in a mile (or 1760 yards in a mile) is disorganized, unpredictable and chaotic.

§ 9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper Norwegian "pils" and other European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as beer, or: ØL! (You ll struggle to pronounce that word correctly; it resembles the name "Earl" without the "R"). American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat s Urine, so all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

§ 10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football in this World; you call it soccer for extraneous reasons. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 3 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

§ 11. Further, there will be some changes to baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 0,8% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. The spectator s use of oversized, yellow, finger-pointing gloves is not understood in Europe. Please stop using them. They are silly.

§ 12. The US Pacific fleet will be relocated to Vernesonen, Smutthullet and Smutthavet to fend off rusty Russian bandit trawlers. "Fire on sight".

§ 13. There will be no more bleeps in televised entertainment. If you re not old enough to cope with bad language, you shouldn t have chat shows like Jerry Springer.
To gradually reduce panic attacks when confronted with plain, normal human nudity, Fox network will now present random French movies twice a week. The first film will be the 5.11 hr long "Moi et ma mère à Paris et une fleur".

§ 14. As a "thank you" for us coming to your rescue, we ask that you admit three Norwegian nationals for permanent refuge and colonial exile: Jan Thomas, Pia Haraldsen and Vandela Kirsebom. Jan Thomas claims to know Madonna, but we don t believe him. He hates us for this and has said we all have too long noses, split hair ends, and that we re so 2008 - totally.

§ 15. Norwegian colony formerly known as the USA, will be renamed "Sven O. Land" from the slightly-more-than avarage-alcoholic father of HH Crown Princess Mette Marit. - All other royal figures have their names associated with (mostly Antarctic) territories. Former capitol Washington D.C. will be given the name "Ny Ålesund II".
"York" derives directly from the ancient Norse landscape term "Jórvík". The Big Apple s new name should not surprise anyone.

§ 16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. "skattefut") from His Majesty s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1000 AD.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Sincerely,
The people of Norway

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